It’s Inevitable, but It Still Hurts

This morning at 4:37am my baby turned 13 months old. For the last month or so, we’ve been working through a slow wean. We were down to one feeding a day — a glorious, beautiful, intimate time in the morning, just my baby girl and me. But this morning, we did that for the last time.

It’s been a pretty tough year in the “physical” department. I have several body issues, including very frequent migraines, that need to be addressed. But, in my black and white mind, there was no question that I would give up breastfeeding just to take care of issues that can wait. I am fully aware that people disagree with me, but I wanted her to have the best nourishment possible. There was no way I was quitting.

We struggled through various types of issues that I did not have with my firstborn. Thanks to several appointments with an incredible lactation consultant, some issues were resolved, but certain ones cropped up now and then or still exist to this day.

Here is what I shared on Instagram this morning:

This incredible, strong, tiny (now not-so-tiny) girl and I have defied many odds these last 13 months. We’ve worked through quite the handful of issues and come out on the other side without giving up. For almost four years, I have been sharing my body through pregnancy or breastfeeding and, as of this morning, I am doing neither of those things. Rose just nursed for the last time and let me just say the emotions I’m feeling could fill a book. I’m trying to lift my spirits with the fact that I can now eat all the cheese I have missed since 2015, but in reality, I’m having a pretty sad morning. It’s time to wean for a number of personal reasons, but goodness, the mom emotions…

I must admit that there is also a strangely heavy relief to all of this, as well. I keep seeing this as selfishness, knowing I could have gone longer, but she’s eating extremely well — about 100 times better than my toddler eats, ha! She is healthy and I need to get back to being healthy myself so that I can be the mom God wants me to be.

I’ve cried quite a bit in the last few days, but the burden of the restricted diet and the responsibility of being my baby’s food source is slowly lifting.

*Update 10 days later: She may have been confused for a few seconds on that first morning my husband got her out of bed instead of me, but the weaning went perfectly. She’s eating so well. I am still wrapping my mind around the fact that I can eat whatever I want and continue to hesitate as I reach for the cheese, but things are going well. I only had one bad migraine this last week and both my children had croup while my husband was traveling, so I’d say that’s not bad! Anyway, the weaning is done and we’re embracing the next chapter. ❤

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